Birthday songs in order of tolerability

Today, April 7, is my birthday, so I decided to rank songs that celebrate birthdays in order from most to least likable.

  1. Happy Birthday Party“- DOM: This group of Massachusetts based deviants are responsible for my all-time favorite birthday song. This song has a ridiculously huge, swirling hook undercut by hypnotic, surging bass. It also includes the masterwork lyrics, “It’s time to get gnarly/ happy birthday party, party.” This song is incredible.
  2. Birthday“-The Beatles: This song is pretty inane, even for a birthday song, but it’s harmless and fun anyway. Some lively guitar from George Harrison and Ringo hammering away at the drums really drive the festive theme home. This “White Album,” cut is immortalized as the go-to ‘cool’ birthday song for past generations, and it mostly holds up.
  3. Unhappy Birthday”-The Smiths: A characteristically morose Morrissey has come to wish you an unhappy birthday, because you’re evil. The song still gently rocks and has a gloomy ambiance that somehow comes off as pleasant. It’s short, deadpan, funny and catchy.
  4. Birthday Song“-2 Chainz: At this point the final two songs on the list begin to become much more grating. The artist formerly known as Tity Boi dominated 2012.  2 Chainz was pretty inescapable, and this is maybe his most quoted song, because of the instant classic sentiment, “She got a big booty, so I call her big booty,” and an energetic verse from Kanye West keeps the song from fully drifting into Lonely Island territory.
  5. Birthday Sex“-Jeremiah: This song was a massive hit, and it’s awful. The chorus is just the title repeated until your brains slowly begin to ooze out of the side of your skull. Mind numbing, repetitive and totally devoid of redeeming qualities.

Author: Ben Hohenstatt

I was born April 7, 1992. I'm a reporter in Alaska, and an alum of Auburn University. I am an avid fan of music, Chicago sports teams and pop culture in general.

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